Remembrances

When I was seven years old my family moved from a small house in town near the railroad tracks to another small house in the country, notable for its proliferation of mouse droppings and cold winter drafts. Though a bit strapped financially, my father, always thinking of family first, acquired a small black and white television set. Undeterred by the fuzzy picture my siblings and I sat mesmerized as Pinky Lee, an androgenous little man in suit and bowler hat thrilled us with his antics and old cartoons.

I became friends at this time with Keith, a year younger, who lived on the neighboring farm. We spent happy hours in the farms’ large barn swinging from ropes into the loose hay in the hayloft. Keith’s mother, the very model of maternal care, would make us small afternoon lunches that we would take up onto one or another of the farm’s outbuildings to enjoy. Other days were spent on the shore of the lake just beyond the cow pasture, building forts from downed tree limbs, enacting various imagined scenarios.

All of the adults in our lives were caring and dependable, assuring these times were carefree and allowing us the freedom to enjoy our youthful naivete. One wonders, now, if the rich imaginative life we enjoyed then makes up in any way for our delayed ability to assume responsibility.

Children

I’ve been thinking lately about what it means to produce children, why one would choose, in the first place, to assume the responsibility for creating one. I guess the animal instinct to procreate is a compelling motive (more so for some than others) and a need for the imagined stability of family must be a strong driver.

Once the child begins to grow, responsible parents will do what they can to instill moral and spiritual values as they understand them; will do their best to shelter their progeny from negative peer influences and impose rules they feel will lead to responsible behavior. The child, however, subject to myriad peer influences will respond as any fit animal would weighing options and quickly learning where maximal benefit lies. The parents will soon find themselves on the sidelines, no longer raising and directing, but watching and hoping for the best.

As the child develops into an independent entity, parents will see in it little resemblance to the being they imagined they birthed.

Mental Changes

Experiencing, as I am, the mental changes of aging, I’m finding certain positives occurring. Although being unable to remember what I had for dinner two hours after eating can be annoying, the advantages of ‘forgetting’ an unappealing event or appointment, accepted as excusable, has its advantages. On the downside, along with the short-term memory loss comes the inability to keep up with conversational topic switches, as when talk of a fishing trip abruptly segues to local politics.

All in all, I guess one must cheerfully accept the inevitable decline aging presents and stay upbeat. One’s longevity likely depends on it.

Playing it Safe

I’ve been thinking lately how one might exercise a desire to build a safe and insular world for oneself. By cultivating relationships one can dominate and carefully avoiding social interactions one might suppose would threaten discomfort, one might find an ideal peacefulness. One would suppose such an organized life to be an anxiety free one where there is no need for any sort of stoic discipline to ward off unpredictable negatives. I’m sure there are those who would say such a construct would be devoid of richness, of the thrills and excitement that uncertainty promises, but a well-grounded, intelligent and thoughtful individual would surely realize a contentment that supersedes adventurism.

The pitfalls of playing it safe.

When You Die You WILL Meet God

Driving down the highway the other day I saw a billboard that informed me that when I die, I will meet God.

I got to thinking about just how that conversation might go. I suppose the gist of it would concern how deserving I was; whether I was of sufficient character to join the heavenly host, whether my behaviors during my biological existence made me eligible for other-worldly benefits.

Would I be asked, I wonder, if my behaviors were reasonably upstanding, my thoughts of a benevolent if not pristine nature. Of course God, I assume, would have the answers to those questions and was playing a bit of a game with me to determine how I might spin the narrative, but, in honesty I would have to respond that in my opinion my good behaviors at least balanced the bad, evaluated on the basis of intent to contribute, on the one hand, or exploit, on the other, my fellow man.

So, if God scores on a curve, I guess my odds of reaching the great beyond aren’t too bad.

The advantages of Remaining Mum

It occurs to me with increasing frequency, lately, that remaining silent in social situations, exchanges with family members, may be preferable to entering into conversations that may gravitate toward controversy or discussions that may be getting too personal. By remaining mum, I expect I will be able to avoid offering comments that will offend, comments that may dog me, remain a source of discomfort for a long time.

Though one might argue, I suppose, that keeping my thoughts to myself might be considered by those one is hoping not to offend as disguising my true feelings, might suspect my silence masks negative thoughts, which, I guess, may indeed be the case.

Maybe the answer is, in the interests of peaceful co-existence, to always just smile and nod.

The Rest of the Story

I’ve been thinking lately about the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham, the father, is challenged by God to justify his faith by sacrificing his beloved son Isaac. The man and son make their way to the mountaintop, the son prostrates himself upon a rock, the father lifts a large knife………. but then God intervenes and acknowledges Abrahams unwavering faith.

After the event God assures Isaac that he was really in no danger, that it was only a test, but one has to wonder how Isaac thereafter felt about familial relationships, how he afterwards perceived his father’s mental health, how he might have wondered how benevolent God actually is and finally what it means to be truly alone in the world.

I guess the moral of the story is: beware of parents who claim to be in direct communication with a less than benevolent God.

Exasperation

Following the public discourse online these days amounts to consumption of sensationalized soundbites that are anything but enlightening. I find it upsetting focusing, as the various media does, on the extremes whether it be weather, politics or divisive personalities.

The negative vibes have caused me to reduce my nightly news viewing to three days a week, still painful but I guess necessary in order to maintain a sense of current events even as they ominously portend a world on the brink of collapse.

Just thinking about it exacerbates my exasperation. I guess I should be thankful my world is still a place I can vent.

Accommodating the Uncomfortable

I’m anticipating, as summer approaches, extended social encounters I will likely find uncomfortable. The realization that my visitors live their lives within realities different than mine, that the narratives they spin are often contradictory to my own makes for a certain tension, always present and energy sapping.

The rule to avoid talk of religion and politics is always warranted but even with that, philosophical conflicts are bound to occur. In other years I have relied on a bit of chemical numbing to see me through but I’m aware now, as my functioning slows, my ability to quickly retort wains, I must take care, to stay articulate so as not to produce even greater discomfort.

But, as you might have guessed, these visitors are family and the value of maintaining an open communication with them may be the most important thing I ever do.

Mood Swings

I’m finding myself on an emotional roller-coaster lately, experiencing fluctuations in perspective I’m finding difficult to explain. I have experienced no traumatic events recently that can account for my mood swings, so it doesn’t seem reasonable I should be soaring on the rarified air of well-being one minute and descending to the depths of despair the next.

As one might imagine I’m enjoying the highs and dreading the lows, but since I realize fluctuations will occur; what goes up must come down, I should, I suppose, be content to ride along. As I contemplate it all, searching for a rationale, I think I can realistically attribute the phenomenon to aging.