Living Life to the fullest

Seventh sphere 3It’s time to challenge myself…………..It’s not like I’m bored; I’ve plenty to keep me busy and interested…..I just feel like I need stimulation; something to force myself out of my comfort zone, expand my experiences and live larger.

I’ve been contemplating my options: sky diving, bungee jumping and rock climbing all have appeal but I’m deathly afraid of heights.  I could go the social route and volunteer in the schools or nursing home but with all those rammy kids or blind old people I could easily get stepped on.

I think I’ll offer myself for adoption at the Salvation Army.  I know it’s a serious risk: who knows what kind of situation I could get in to, but I could make some little girl happy and in addition meet some new dolls and people.  If worse comes to worse and I end up in a dysfunctional family I’ll just remember what Nietzsche said: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Playing the Game

I feel myself falling into a rut lately.  The routine has become insufferable.  The days are passing painfully predictably: out of the box at 10, stand by the window, pose for a while, get leered at by that awful monkey and the other boring inanimates I am loathe to inhabit the studio with and, then, back in the box until morning when it starts all over again.  I won’t even go into the days I don’t get taken out of the box at all.  I’m feeling my life isn’t my own, that I’m simply a small cog in a big impersonal mechanism.

I guess Woody Allen’s right: all you need to do to succeed in life is show up….and play the game.  If only the bills needn’t be paid I would fly (figuratively speaking that is).

But certainly there’s relief to be had.  The Stoics recommend, when meaning in life is elusive, contemplating what it would be like if one lost what one had.  How much worse would it be without those small things we take for granted, like a nice cozy box……………..well, a cozy box is better than nothing.  I will try to be happy with what I have, the way things are…………….and I’ll sign up for flying lessons. discovering the mysteries 3

Thoughts of Death

Sometimes, in the cold darkness of winter particularly, I can’t help but think about how it’s all going to end.  It’s incredibly depressing to contemplate one’s own mortality; Even plastic breaks down over time.  I guess the fear of irrefutable extinction is what drives people to religion.  The hope for a beautiful afterlife must be a wonderful pacifier.  But what if the after-life isn’t so beautiful, what if it’s terrible, tortuous.  If I were to accept the premise that there truly is an afterlife how could I be certain I was headed in the preferred direction?  When I think about it, throughout history there are more depictions of Hell than of Paradise.

I read somewhere that one is born of nature and to nature one returns after death; seems sufficient to me. gatesofdis3

I guess I’ve always been a bridge burner………….

I remember, years ago, talking to my aunt (one of the Barbies, I can’t remember which one) about my ambitions to join the Navy Seals.  She dismissed the notion almost immediately, telling me that I was not cut out for such an activity; that I should remember myself, who I am, and not fantasize about becoming something beyond my capabilities.

It became apparent to me nearly everyone you grow up knowing has expectations of who you are and what you are capable of and even find it disturbing if they suspect you might be stepping outside the box they’ve put you in.

So, I decided to cut my ties.  I burned the bridges to nearly everyone I knew with the exception of my generally tolerant immediate family.

I’m still thinking of the Navy Seals; if Mr. Rogers could make it why not me.ship of fools 3

some people even think I lack personality……….

I know I’m plain.  I’m very aware I have no outstanding visual attributes. I stand out only in my ordinariness.  Sometimes even my friends will pass me without noticing me.  I suppose I could try harder to enhance my appearance; maybe a little eye shadow, although it doesn’t seem to adhere well to plastic.

I just don’t think it’s honest to pretend to be something I’m not.  Still, we are social animals.  Everyone needs friends.  Maybe if I worked out people would like me more.  A svelte body is everyone’s dream.  Beauty is symmetry, slimness, fitness, healthy skin, good muscle tone.  But, is this really me.  Better to just try and fit in as who I am.  I will seek out friends who feel good about themselves; who aren’t afraid of being who they are.

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