Vicarious Pleasures

Summers, I spend a lot of time on my back porch from where I have a clear view of my neighbor’s yard. I am able to view the comings and goings of a couple with whom, I in fact, have never exchanged more than a few words in passing. Nevertheless, observation and imagination have provided me insights into these people’s lives.

He, it is clear, is a serious fisherman in possession, as he is, of a state-of-the-art fishing boat with all the electronic gadgets necessary, I suspect, to ensure fishing success. I observe him with his wife whom he embraces as he is about to go off on one of his multi-day fishing trips. He has built his wife heart shaped flower gardens in their front yard that he dutifully tends, weeds and prunes.

In the last few months, though, I haven’t seen the wife, a fact that has me, as I sit here in my lounger, conjuring different scenarios that might explain her absence. Maybe she’s experienced a debilitating illness that has her bedridden or perhaps she’s been institutionalized for mental issues (she’s always appeared a bit unusual) or maybe the neighbor’s attentions toward her were feigned, were means of establishing a potential alibi for her disappearance, that in fact murder had occurred and she was buried in the basement; the adult sons who came by to see mom told she had gone off to live with her sister in Florida.

It’s becoming clear to me I need to find other ways of occupying my mind.

Traveling

I’ve been traveling lately through large unfamiliar cities. Hampered, as I am, by short-term memory loss and an inability to follow directions, the visual glut and auditory din I encounter has me exhausted. I find myself lost almost immediately upon arrival at the train station (or airport or bus terminal) as I try to decipher the abstract metro maps or follow the fine lines of the tram or bus routes on the city directory the friendly information folks handout with a smile. By the time I stumble upon my lodgings and rest up a bit I have to remind myself of the danger of going off without sufficient attention to place and getting lost all over again.
The upside of it all being the realization that people the world over are open, friendly and ready to help a disoriented stranger and are, I think, appreciative that someone would be interested in visiting the place they call home.

Facing Our Ultimate Demise

Forgive me, if you will, for dwelling on the morbid but I can’t help thinking about the ultimate aftermath, what might be awaiting us after our final demise.

The fear most of us feel when such thoughts occur, I suspect, may be about facing the unfamiliar, leaving behind the faces, placers, environment, social connections that is one’s world. if we set aside the science of biological existence which seems reasonable from a spiritual perspective most any scenario is in play. Imagination would suggest intriguing possibilities for what might come next.

A Trip to the Hospital

My fishing partner has developed an infection from a mishap that occurred a few days before our trip north. Discomfort has progressed to the point of requiring medical attention. A journey to the nearest hospital in the heart of the First Nation reservation an hour’s drive north is necessary; the facility is seriously understaffed and extremely busy, waiting room overflowing, patient rooms full, gurneys in the hallways.

Hours pass before attention is received, diagnosis critical, IV antibiotic determined necessary. Additional treatments recommended means two additional trips from fish camp to hospital.

The week ends, we proceed south aware how tenuous existence may be on the edge of civilization.

Playing Nice with Others

I’ve become aware, lately, that my verbal offerings, comments and responses, while visiting with others in small gatherings of family and friends, elicit responses I had no intention of eliciting; it appears that what I say is often interpreted in vastly different ways than intended. And this, even though I’m careful these days to withhold or at least moderate strong personal opinions.

When I was younger, I held small regard for countering someone’s opinion, relished, in fact, the opposition. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I hold back these days. But now It would appear that sometimes concessions are expected, admission of guilt, a desire for me to reveal my inadequacies, personal weaknesses: concessions I’m not willing to give. The whole idea of such a scenario I find extremely winceable, beyond my capacity to the point of exasperation.

If one is to maintain a sense of pride in achievement, a sense of worth, restraint must be exercised, emotions withheld; an acceptance of the potential volatility of personal relationships, a willingness to let go.
It all becomes exitential in the end, I guess.

With Lego People

Ugly Truths

I’ve been reading, lately, a treatise by a moral psychologist who claims pretty much everyone lies, cheats and steals. Apparently most all of us have such a deeply-held, innate self-interest that, given the opportunity, dishonesty is inevitable.

Excuses made to avoid an unwanted invitation are likely to be lies. We do this, I guess, because we all want to be well-thought of and it’s pretty clear unremitting truth will make anyone pretty unpopular. And when it comes to cheating, laws are set up such that everyone who drives a car will inevitably cheat in some way, at least in terms of speed limits. As far as theft goes, ‘borrowing’ items from one’s workplace, even if justified as improving one’s work efficiency is never the less stealing.

So, as I think about it I guess I have to admit I fit the profile. I can claim, I suppose, I do no grievous harm to any individual. I do have to admit, though, I’m a liar, cheat and thief. The worst of it is I still think I’m a pretty good person.

Realizing the Ungraspable

I find myself visited lately by an idea, a figment of imagination that, during times of contemplation come and go, hint at an ellusive potential for understanding; thoughts of solutions and resolutions appear, slip and fade replaced by new enigmas always wavering on the edge of consciousness remembered clearly then lost, evaporating, caroming into then out of view; ideas within sight for an instant but ungraspable, mind fluctuating from one ill-defined thought to another, the intangeable true reality beyond reach. Something of value may be there twisting into then out of focus. How long must I wait for the idea to appear.

Remembering College

I recently found myself sitting in the student union of the college from which I matriculated forty years ago. I got lost in the maze of corridors finding my way; it’s all quite unrecognizable, but the ghost whispers of remembrance conjure vague memories of classes, activities, acquaintances and competitive exchanges. I remember the hierarchy of college authority, an authority based on what one knows, sometimes, but sometimes on pure bravura. Wondering why, why students seek more school whether the commitment is for the pure love of learning, aimed at future employment or just four more years of little responsibility. Maybe it’s the assumption of future success; maybe the belief is, to paraphrase Woody Allen: ” all one needs to do to succeed in life is just show up.”

On this weekend day the campus is mostly deserted. It feels cold and alien despite the big light filled windows, the carpeting and comfortable chairs. Huge public money goes into these edifices, the intention being to produce productive citizens. I wonder if that’s happening.

On the upside, four years of liberal arts education will likely produce more liberal voters.

The Human Soul

I’ve been reading about the various ways the human soul is perceived by various religious traditions as well as non-believers. In most cases the soul is seen as an entity that remains in existence after death of the body. For those uninclined toward religious dogmatisms the soul may, if accepted as existential at all, likely lack individual identity and will, after death, merge into a collective unconscious, a mindless and immaterial essence.

A common religious perspective has the soul maintaining the identity, personality and memories of the individual from which it emanates. If one is to experience the benefits of heaven or the eternal miseries of Hell such a soul will be necessary, even as such a belief may be a strain on the thoughtful faithful who may have trouble with the idea of a functioning dead brain.

Another concept of soul can be found in the scifi realm. A ‘cortical stack’ situated between the brain and spinal column containing one’s identity is found to be portable. This ‘personality package’ can be transferred once one’s body wears out into a fresh physical specimen creating in effect a new you. Belief in such futuristic technology will certainly be a significant strain on even the most avid of scifi proponents.

Anticipating a future reality beyond life as we know it is something humankind has been contemplating for millennia and it’s pretty compelling for many of us to continue to do so. Contemplation is never a bad thing.

Time

I suppose it doesn’t take much imagination to understand time as a social construct, a means of keeping society organized. Counting the hours keeps us showing up on time so progress can happen, so we’ve accepted time as an absolute: the structure of our reality depends on it.

But what if we didn’t think of time in terms of seconds, minutes and hours? What if societal time was held at bay, not allowed to invade our psyches? If our natural rhythms determined the flow of our existence, being late would no longer be a serious concern.

Minimal servitude and an understanding partner might make such a thing possible.